My Black & Gold Tarot Arrives!!!

The moment I open the box, the gold colour attracts me. Probably because I’m a Leo

After months waiting, the new deck finally arrives.

When I open the seal, I immediately feel that I need to put my citrine stone on top of it. I think it was an only an hour or so. I just follow my intuition. And after that I put my citrine under the sun, near my mother’s potted plants, for several hours.

The cards are beautiful. I know the image is a traditional image of Raider White’s, but I think it is the fact that there’s not much colour in it that makes the cards beautiful.

I wish I had my own room to just look at it, stare at it, admire it, without anyone interrupting me. My mom and younger brother would think I spent money on a very expensive hobby. It’s hard to explain that I feel attracted to the cards and just have to have them the moment I saw it on the shop.

Well, if they think it’s an expensive hobby then let them think so. I am allowed to have my own expensive hobby too, aren’t I?

I really love the feel of the cards in my hand and can’t wait to finish reading the guidebook that came with it.

Is there anyone who also purchase a Black & Gold Tarot like mine? I would love to hear your story.

Good night for now : )

The Problem with Growing Up

When I was a kid, my idea of growing up is pretty much influenced by the TV series Friends: got a reliable job, a reliable source of income. Living alone in a cute rented apartment with a best friend. Having several best friends that keeps me company and supportive. Enjoying the city live. A proud, full-scale adult that no longer live under my parents’ roof.

The fact is: life is not as pretty as I dreamt it to be.

I’m in my early 30s, though luckily not yet 35. I still live with my family, even though I did live alone now and then when work carried me away from home. My income is stuck in the middle where I can afford the necessary and little bit more, but won’t be enough if I were to live on my own and supporting my mother’s at the same time.

Friends? I can’t say I really have friends. I had a best friend. Well, several best friends. But nothing seems to work well. One best friend follows her man overseas. I still care and fond of her, but she lives in a completely different social circle than me now. It’s almost like we no longer suits each other anymore. Our interests are way more different than before, so is our lifestyle. I am a white-collar worker, she is a mistress of a well-off enough married man.

Another best friend, I had to remove her from my life completely. She went coo-coo after her last relationship didn’t go well. I tried to talk to her, but talking to her made me realise that she isn’t in the right frame of mind. I ran into her once and I’m glad to see her doing well. Part of me happy to see her, wants to spent time with her again for endless chatter, but my brain still remember that last strange conversation and I thought “well, I am part of her past and maybe she is better off with new people that seems to be helping her doing well.”

The other best friend, we still meet up from time to time. However, as time goes by, I realise she puts up a barrier. It’s like she met me just to gain something from me. It’s like every idea I said to her, she’ll say that she is thinking about it too. At first, I thought it was a coincidence. But then I started to realise that I shared a lot of things with her but I barely know her story. If I ask her about something, just a little deeper, she doesn’t reveal. I keep showing her that it is okay to talk about things but she seems to only want to get new information/perception/idea about life from me instead of having a healthy 2-ways communication and actually brainstorm about how to live better. I feel very let down because this friend is special to me: we share the same exact birth date, though I am older than her by mere 2 hours.

So no. I have not had a friends that are both support system in bad times and partygoers in good time.

I can still enjoy urban live, thanks to still living with my mother. But there’s no fun in it when you realise that you’re not yet a full-scale adult.

My job feels like a dead-end. Yet I need the money to do some saving.

I am planning to start doing a side business, but honestly it scares the shit out of me. I want it to take off smoothly, so I can get enough saving to get out of my 9-5 life and focusing on developing my own business.

As I wrote this entry, I felt the call to look at my oracle card to draw some soothing messages. The wild offering oracle deck is beautiful. I felt drawn to it the moment I saw it in one of the Youtube readings.

The message I got : gratitude, abundance, aging, hardship, compassion, positivity, relationship, true offering, and true love.

I’m grateful that I still have a job, still have money, a stable income. I surrender to the universe to give me the abundance that I deserve. I am loveable, I know I am loved by many people, I am grateful that I feel love in my life, I have joy and energy in my life, I do not scared of growing up and getting old, I know I will achieve my goals in life. I am grateful that I still have friends, even though not many nor too close, that I surrender to the universe to bring me all the best and positive person into my life, and that I know my life is always blessed and I shall be living amongst great friends. I feel grateful that I am healthy, still have a roof over my head, still can buy clothes and other things, still have good food on the table, still have money to cover what it is needed in life and still able to save too. May I always have compassion for friends that needs it and may my good intention draws in great people, great experience, and abundance of joy. May I always strong and brave and resilience and have grit and have quick mind to turn over any obstacles into abundance and joy in life, I ask the universe to always guide me to the right path, to lead a joyful life. I am surrendering all pains, wounds, and negativity to the universe so the universe can guide me into being a better me. May the universe guide me to finally be able to love myself completely, to not relying my happiness on other people, for me to be able to stand on my own two feet and reach out all my goals in leading a happy, prosperous, joyful, and peaceful life. Amen.

Tarot & Being Lonely

The earliest “divination” I know, of course, horoscope. It was a craze amongst all the girls in my class. I think it was during my junior high school years (7th-9th grade) and then followed by “love reading” using a standard 52-deck playing cards in my senior high school years.

The first time I heard about tarot is from a teen magazine. One of their cover girl was featured and tarot is her hobby. I did not think much about tarot because at that time there was no tarot book I can find in the bookstore. Also, I was a homebody kid. My mother did not let me go out other than what is necessary. Yes, I have a sheltered life growing up so even if I were interested in something, I did not have the opportunity nor the resources to dig deeper into it.

The first tarot deck I bought was in early 2000, I think. I was either in my final year in college or already working at my first job, can’t remember. The deck came with a book that gives brief explanation about tarot and on the various formats you can use when reading tarot as well as the meaning of each card. The tarot deck does not have pretty images that I saw on the teen magazine years ago. The deck is cheap looking, like they don’t put much thought into the design and printed it on an okay quality paper. Still, I don’t have the heart to throw it away. For years, the deck sits neatly in its box, tucked away in one of the drawers in my room amongst other trinkets I do not often use.

From time to time, I would tidy things up in that drawer and every time I see the deck and thinking I should probably throw it away since I never use it, I ended up putting the deck back to the drawer.

For years I never touch or think about tarot until 2018, when I came across a pick-a-card reading on Youtube and suddenly I fancy tarot again. I fancy it sooo much I ended up buying a new deck. This time, it’s a fancy one: the tarot of sexual magic. At that time, all tarot readings I watched has this deck. It was on the craze, I think. And it is of no wonder. The pictures are beautiful and even though there are other tarot decks with beautiful images, the sexual magic deck kept attracting me that I ended up looking for it on the internet. Mind you, I live in a country where tarot is seen as a teenager’s hobby, a playing cards. That first deck I bought is the only time I had seen a tarot deck is ever being sell in a bookstore. I found the sexual magic deck at an e-commerce platform, at a rather expensive sums too, but I am so happy when I received the deck because I can feel the energy of the deck. I may sound like I’m babbling nonsense but I swear I can feel the energy of the deck when I first held it in my hands and it feels right. Just like how it attracts me every time I see it in those tarot reading videos on Youtube.

A few days ago, I watched a Youtube video of one of my favourite tarot reader. Her channel called “the spiritual social”. She shares her story about how life led her to tarot. How tarot gives her a refuge of a sort when life gets though, or when she needs to calm her mind. How she also came to collect tarot slowly without any intention to be a tarot reader. And her story hits home. I thought: hey, that’s what I do too.

My encounter with card reading went back to high school years. When I bought that first tarot deck, I bought it because I want to read the book and it was sold in one set with the deck. There was no attraction whatsoever, I just want to know more about tarot, that’s it. Transition from college student – fresh graduate – newbie in workforce were obviously a major transition for anyone, and it is at that transition time that I ended up buying my first tarot deck.

2018 was the year I feel lonely because I was unemployed most of the time that year, too ashamed to hang out with friends, but the biggest thing was probably that I have finally moved on from my ex. It took me 3 years to moved on and the year 2018 was the year I know I have completely moved on because once again I am able to sing love songs, reading romance novels, and I realise I no longer have burning anger for him. It is the year I let things go and let the universe guide me to what is good for me.

A respected physicist in my country shared his belief during a TV talk show: “mestakung“, abbreviated from “semesta mendukung” which can be translated as “the universe supports you”. In his belief, what we want, if we work for it and ask the universe for it and surrender knowing that we’ve done all the best we can, then we can rest assured that the universe will back us up and will help make it happen for us. The year 2018 is when I decided I want to surrender to the universe too, to achieve all my dreams. One failure in the romance department should not distract me from my life dreams. And then suddenly all I see in my Youtube feed was pick-a-card tarot readings where almost all of the readers use the sexual magic deck, and I just know that I have to have that deck.

We are in the middle of corona pandemic now. Everyone is working from home. I do WFH too, though not because of corona. I have been WFH since I start working in my new job in December 2018. It’s not WFH that makes me feel lonely. It is the fact that I am once again having a crush on a man that I can’t have, plus corona means no hanging around at the coffee shops, no meeting up with friends, no wandering around the malls, and once again Youtube is my best friend. Once again tarot readings become my favourite videos to watch until I ended up looking around at the tarot decks available on the e-commerce platform. You probably can guess where this is going: yep, I am buying another tarot deck, a black-and-gold handsome looking tarot deck that should arrive within 30-50 days.

So it looks like when I feel lonely in life, I too turns to tarot to find solace. I can’t wait for my new tarot deck to arrive.

Look Within

Taking the first step all over again.

I always like writing and this is not the first time I use blog as a channel to talk with myself. But of course, I had deleted the old blog as it had served its purpose.

I never thought I’m going to write on a blog again. Never thought that I would be in this “what should I do with my life” moment again. But I guess, that’s life. You will need to keep on re-inventing yourself from time to time.

So here I go again. Putting my thought into writing so I may look back and see how far I have grown.